You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Tbh you just need to fuck it out like I don't know another solution
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize