Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
Randomize
