I think I just got seasick
you're not on a boat
he has a waterbed.
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
OPIZZABONMYDICK
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
