I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Randomize
