Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Road head absolutely translates. That's the beauty of road head... It's so portable!
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