would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
