I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize