did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
