I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
