If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I said "one day" and that day is not today
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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