the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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