I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Randomize
