K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
