I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
