just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Randomize
