We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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