I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
