worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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