you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
Randomize
