I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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