I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
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