Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
