god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Randomize
