so i had a choice between studying for my physics test on fluid dynamics or spend the night with my girlfriend. hello doubletasking.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
the room spins SO much faster in panama
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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