where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
