Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I didn't expect the hobit to have that much sexual tension.
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