just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
yay, now i'm not the only homewrecker.
yeah but i stopped sleeping with him after i found out he was married.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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