I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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