dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
