I met the friendliest cop last night
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
Randomize
