I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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