The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
