I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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