FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
