i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
