Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize