Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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