If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
