I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Randomize
