You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
Lets start a coed nudist frat/sorority. It would be amazing. Or just an orgy club. It would also be amazing
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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