pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Randomize
