things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
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