she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
