the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
Randomize
