I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Well were gunna have to wash the couch cover now...maybe even the couch, soap or fire your decision
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Ladies don't puke and tell
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
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