Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
