Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
