ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
You peed on a flamingo?!?
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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