got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
