We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
Randomize
