I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
