my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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