I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
