Small dicks are the new regular sized dicks.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
Randomize
