I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
can we get nightvision for the apartment?
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
