I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
Randomize
